What do we owe our parents? And how does that compare with our responsibility and obligations to our children?
This is something I have been mulling over since a recent conversation where it was inferred that parents (should) have an unlimited and open-ended obligation. As a parent, even though I tend to agree with the overall sentiment, some caveats somehow jump up in my mind. Can a parents responsibility ever cease? The answer is obviously no! But what constitutes responsibility and how far, and in what circumstances can those responsibilities be invoked - is a question. At what point should one cut the umbilical cord to let children stand on their own feet and learn to take responsibility for their decisions? How far should parents go and for how long - financially, emotionally, physically - before it becomes counter-productive? How long is it decent for children to depend on their parents, before it becomes improper?
I am sure that there are different answers to these questions for different people.
Let me take a step back and provide a brief background as to how these questions arose in the first place.
We were talking about mutual acquaintances - a couple who are currently facing hard times. The man lost his job recently and then managed to secure work far below his qualifications. This obviously resulted in a lower pay packet and the consequential struggle to make ends meet. The wife does not work as she has growing children to take care of. They live near, but separately from their parents. I asked as to why they did not move in with the parents, as a separate residence puts an additional strain on their already limited resources. Rent, maintenance, utilities, etc. for their house could easily be saved if they lived with the parents.
In response I was told that the couple felt that the parents were leading an independent retired life and would probably not appreciate getting burdened with the responsibility. When I commented that children moving in, hardly constitutes a burden, it was clarified that the couple wanted the parents to look after the grandchildren, so that the wife could also look for work. But that suggestion was not encouraged by the parents who were leading a busy social life themselves. I got a distinct sense that this was seen as utterly selfish behavior on the parents part and hence unacceptable.
Putting the particulars of any individual case aside - I missed the part where anyone got the inference, that by dint of the couple moving in, the parents would be lumped with the responsibility for the grand-children. I would have thought that the move-in would be a temporary measure to reduce the financial burden on the couple, till such time that they get back on their feet. Where does that state - that by the fact of their moving in the parents become responsible for the supervision and baby sitting of the grand-children?
When I opined that if that was the expectation from the couple, then the parents were not entirely wrong to not encourage the move back, I was rebuked to the effect that family is everything and one should stand by ones children at all times. Of course one cannot argue rationally with an emotional sentiment like that and I was immediately on the back foot, feeling ashamed for having thought or suggested any different.
But then over the next few days as I thought more about this I started to question whether the same sentiment would be applied if the situation were reversed? As the parents start to get old and infirm and when they need the same (physical, emotional and financial) support would the children offer to host them permanently? If by chance (like us) the children have settled in a foreign land, would they then voluntarily drop everything - their jobs, their children, their lives and move back to look after them? Would the parents even expect the children to leave the lives they have made abroad and go back to be with them?
Probably not!
So if children are neither expected to nor going to drop their lives to support parents, how can children expect it the other way?
After a long and tough life, having done what they could to provide us with a start in our lives - our parents need to relax and enjoy the autumn of their lives, without being burdened with any additional expectations. Those years are for them to kick their feet up and do what they love best. If running around behind squalling infants is not their cup of tea then it should not be expected and if child-minding is what they want to do, then so be it! But I would take that as a gift from them, rather than an obligation on them!
But then as a colleague had told me a while ago - it is in our nature to love our children more than we love our parents. We all look forward - not backwards!
Would you agree?
