The last few days have been very strange indeed. Not one, but three good friends approached me about issues that they are currently facing. Two of them are at a crossroad in their life, and are concerned about deciding which fork in the road to take. Both are in a particularly vexing situation and that decision will not be easy. Both have options, but options as they normally do, create uncertainty and stress. One is facing a deeply personal issue, and the other a professional one. Both stand on the threshold of deciding on a path that will unalterably change their lives. It would be a foolish person indeed, who would confidently tell them what to do. In actual fact, when we spoke, neither was really looking for answers. All they sought was a sounding board, a conduit to express inner thoughts, reflect, and then be able to take a more considered decision themselves.
The third friend, a close colleague in fact, also has a personal problem. One morning last week, as I went to him for our daily banter, he just told me to sit down, as he needed someone to talk to. According to him, he does not have too many people he could open up to and at that moment needed someone to just vent. He is quite a reticent person and hence opening up is not easy for him. While revealing some sketchy details of his problem he spoke about going through a torrid period, resulting in his seeking professional help. I did not probe further, since I am of the opinion that people will tell me, what they want, when they want. However knowing him the way I do, the very fact that he sought external assistance, indicated the depth of his quandary.
Considering the confidential nature of the discussions, I will not elaborate any further on the issues themselves. The purpose of this article is to reflect on the process of asking for advice and taking decisions, and the part others play in them. When people approach us with their problems or issues, often all they really seek is someone to hear them out. Someone they trust, to confide in. It does not necessarily have to be the person closest to them. In fact in some cases the people closest to us are the ones least able to provide help, either because they are mired too deep themselves, or cannot remain unbiased. It does not have to be the smartest person either or the one with all the answers. The best answers are often the ones that we find for ourselves. The decisions most often followed through are the ones we make for ourselves.
But we do need others to reflect with, to sound our ideas off or share our thoughts with. Whenever we find ourselves in difficulties we look for people around us to help us through. Most of us are fortunate enough to have supportive family, friends and colleagues, who we can talk to about the various challenges that arise in our lives. We have a plethora of lawyers, doctors, accountants, bankers, engineers, etc. to tap into, whenever we choose to. The fact that we do not do so is our own fault. Some of us are fortunate enough to have access to free advice, which if contracted on a professional basis would cost in the thousands.
Of course one needs to be selective about whom they go to for help. All people unfortunately are not equal, and some are better than others. The good ones are those who are not judgmental; the ones who will not make you feel bad about being in the pickle that you find yourself in. The last thing you need, at such a time, is someone who blames you for being in the situation you are in, no matter how correct that person is. The great ones are terrific listeners, people who are more intent on hearing you out, rather than launching immediately into solutions. They lead you to finding your own answer, rather than offering you a selection of pre-packed, shrink-wrapped solutions.
But how often do we use this pool of resources around us? Many a times we do not seek help, due to ego, embarrassment, shyness, or sometimes just plain fear of exposing our inner selves. It is a known fact that women are more prone to consult and ask for advice, than men. They do not feel bad about seeking guidance, nor do they shy away from acting on the same. However, men are different. Men are worried that by asking for help they reveal their ignorance. By displaying hurt or emotional disturbance they portray their weaknesses.
Recently I had a friend who lost a significant amount of money on an investment, simply because he never sought advice at the time that he took the decision to invest. It was a complex structured note, in addition to being leveraged, which needlessly increased his exposure. On top of that, the value of the investment was dependant on underlying indices, meaning that it was a derivative instrument. He was not made aware of the risks, and probably did not feel confident enough to ask some fundamental questions to the issuers of the note (a reputable institution), at the time he went into it. He is surrounded by bankers and finance professionals, who would have been more than willing to help out, but something prevented him from approaching them, till it was a bit too late.
We have all made some bad decisions in our lives, and chances are that we will make more. But when there are so many people around us, it would be good practice to talk about what we confront and the decisions ahead, before we take the leap. Advice is free and there is no obligation on the part of the receiver to act on it. Through discussions we gain different perspectives which only enhance the decision making process.
Last week I went through a gutting experience at work, or at least that is the way I felt. A situation transpired that made me feel abused and cheated. Discussing the matter with family, friends and colleagues, actually salved the hurt and the bitterness. It made me see the bigger picture, took away the hurt, and maybe saved me from embarrassing myself during my conversation with the offending party. A while ago, I would have kept this to myself, tried to handle the situation internally without sharing it, and in the process would have been far worse off mentally. However, because I did not see any shame in exposing my hurt, I got to share my pain and in the process halved it. Funnily enough, instead of pity or sympathy, what I got was shared empathy at the injustice. Talking about it did not diminish the hurt; it just increased my capacity to cope with it. And as with any hurt, time erases the memories. A week into my life, I already feel that I am past the worst.
I count myself lucky that I have people who I can approach, and who make me feel better about myself. So many others have no one to turn to in times of need. They have either cut themselves off or are themselves cut off. A common observation from friends, who have migrated to foreign lands, is one of loneliness and seclusion. After so many years they still talk of the lack of like-minded people who they can vibe and natter with. The type of friends who you can discuss deeply personal issues with and come out the better for it.
Friends are our bridges during stormy periods, and they help us crossover to the calmer side. We have so many of these bridges around us, each one different and each suited for specific tribulations. So many times we take the long way around, when all it takes is a few short steps to a friend.
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