A question of success

I was chatting with my son the other day, as most Dad's would do, about life, about ambition and about measures of success, and various paths to fulfillment. He wanted to know how life would turn out for him, whether he would live up to his potential, and what would it take to become wealthy and famous.

My son is at an age now, where he wants to define where he is going, and to try and foresee what is in store for him. He dreams of big success in different fields, depending on the mood upon him. It is a fact of life that our dreams are larger and grander when we are young to only diminish (or become more realistic) as we go along. A life of middle class servitude, is not within his mental paradigm, and only correct that it should not be. Becoming the top neuro-surgeon in the world and saving countless lives, or leading the greatest rock band in history in front of screaming fans, is what he dreams about.

As this conversation progressed, and we spoke of the drivers that are needed to become really successful in this world, one part of my brain delinked from this conversation as I realized a somber truth. My son and many like him, are growing up in the opportunistic dead zone! The odds of his being able to break free of middle class mediocrity are stacked against him. The sheer inertia of a comfortable life will weigh against initiative, drowning out any effort to break free and take risks. Maybe, just maybe, we his parents might be his worst enemies, as we instill our fears and dampen any enthusiasm to venture onto a path less well-trodden. As parents shower their children with excessive attention and benefits, either due to peer pressures, or a deep seated guilt of inadequate parenting (thanks to Dr Spock), they are entrenching them further and further into the morass of instant gratification and an overblown sense of entitlement.

We ourselves, have been very relaxed with our children (some might even call it lax), and our expectations of them. They are free to choose whatever career or life path they want, as long as they exhibit a modicum of effort in its pursuit, and show correct (according to us, of course) behavioral traits. My personal belief has always been that the greatest gift I can bestow on my children, is an inquisitive and independent mind.

On the other hand a vast swathe of today’s children are living their parents' dream. They are being pushed and persuaded to get into fields or activities that they have been brain washed to be passionate about. Basic economics dictates that supply will always meet demand, and hence the proliferation of classes, coaches, courses, activities and camps that weigh heavy on the parents pocket and extremely light on delivery. As the pressures of our working lives diminish our ability to spend time with our growing children and feed our guilt, we assuage our mortification by compensating in other areas. We either pamper and spoil them with the latest techno toys, or push them into more and more arcane pursuits.

Success (however one defines it) requires talent, dedication and at least one of two other factors - hunger and/or opportunity. Hunger is the deep seated desire of any individual to excel and persevere against immense odds, to get what they want. Developing a hunger at an early stage in ones life instills a unique value system that focuses on hard work and perseverance. Children from deprived backgrounds have neither fear nor shame in working for success. They know that they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. They also realize that the path to glory is not smoothened and paved for their convenience, and hence are better equipped to overcome the pitfalls and hurdles that life has in store for them.

On one hand I do not believe that a comfortable middle-class lifestyle is the optimum crucible of hunger and desire in children. Even though we try and drum into them the worth of what they have, they do not experience the value of acquiring the same through work or reward. Without that rampant hunger, everything else - the talent, the education, and the coaching, will be diluted and watered down as they traverse life's roads.

On the other hand, the limitations of our wealth, and connections, severely restricts our ability to create opportunities for talented children to achieve the upper echelons of any endeavor. In our society it is politics, nepotism, and reservation that rules the roost. This coupled with intense competition for resources and places makes it imperative that one provide the optimum platform for success, which very often lies beyond the shores of our land. Sons and daughters of politicians, actors, businessmen etc find it easier to spring out from their parents shoulders. They are given chances and opportunities many more times and in their case they need to fail, to not be successful.

So where does that leave us? In a very precarious place indeed. The march to the summit will be a long one for most of us and ours, involving many generations, with each preceding generation helping the one after it to climb just that much higher. It will be a journey of tempered expectations, with progress slow, halting and sometimes beset by failure and disappointment.

I think of all of the above as I rejoin the conversation and turn to my son. I want to tell him that a life full of health, happiness and laughter, of companionship and family is the true hallmark of success. I instead tell him that a life of success and glory awaits him if he works hard at what he wants. I tell him that his many talents and passions, open a wider world of opportunity to him than it did me and my generation. And I see the fire burning in his eyes and his mind envisaging his future success, as I let him know that with perseverance and our support, the world can be his oyster.