To recommend or not, that is the question.

A chance comment or a passing remark during a conversation quite often sparks a chain of thoughts in my mind. These same comments, when I ruminate later, become a full-blown dialogue in my mind, which is what eventually becomes a blog post. Now that I have given you the secret of my method, let me get down to the topic of this blog.

A few evenings ago, a conversation with a good friend revealed how one persons normality, is another’s madness. We were having a deep conversation on the meaning of friendship and its importance in our lives. I happened to make a chance remark about how, for me friendship included recommending to, and influencing people who matter to me, into doing things, which they may or may not have done without my intervention. To my surprise, my friend turned around and told me that that was something that he would never ever do. He would never recommend a course of action to friends, because he would never be able to live with himself if his recommendation turned out to be wrong.

Before I forget, I need to mention that we are talking here about decisions of consequence. It is not the choice of shoes or the next holiday, but more in terms of career options, or making a huge lifetime investment, etc.
I have blithely gone through life, exhorting and cajoling people close to me into taking action. Whether it is investments in property, further education, or career options, I have freely given "sage" advice, and not only that, I have been instrumental in planting seeds of thought into others minds, on matters that they had never considered. If asked for a recommendation between choices, I would without hesitation provide my preference. Of course I do make the effort to put myself in their shoes, but have never thought beyond that, to the consequences of them following that advice. I have also taken and followed other people’s advice, and have never blamed or held them responsible for the fall-out either.
My friend’s point of view is that, even if the person who acted on your persuasion does not blame you, there is still the matter of living with yourself. Knowing fully well that you might have been instrumental in causing emotional or financial damage to a friend is not conducive to peace of mind. You take some ownership of their trauma or grief, and as a friend would have to live it through.

Though this logic makes sense when put like this, on deeper reflection it does not stand. Imagine a different situation, where in, you were of the view that your friend was making a huge mistake with a particular issue. Your silence is equally damning! Your inaction in preventing him (which in a way is a recommendation) from doing something causes suffering.

Let me give you a real life example, which happened to my Dad. Many years ago, one of his friend’s daughter was planning to get married to a boy, who my father knew had a doubtful reputation. My father chose not to voice his concerns and remained silent. The girl got married and we heard that a few months later the marriage broke off. What my father had heard turned out to be true. He subsequently had the gumption to inform the girl’s parents, that he had been aware of some issues around the boy, but had been unable to voice them. The girl subsequently remarried and has rebuilt her life, but I can only imagine what my father’s friends would be thinking of him and his choice to stay silent.
So many times on our life, we stay silent when we should not. We fear rejection, or that our opinion will not be valued. Sometimes we feel that it is not our place to interject. I myself have stood in the sidelines quite often. This is more so, when it comes to issues like children, money, relationships etc., which are personal by nature, and hence more sensitive. Even if not completely silent we hedge or water down our views, so that what is voiced is open to interpretation. This tends to happen more in the later stages of our lives.
When we were young, we used to be fearless in the expression of our views. Now we have spouses and children, big jobs and bigger egos, and less truth and even lesser openness. It has become more difficult to mark the boundaries of personal space, and hence we all take the safe approach - we do not interfere at all ! Even within the bounds of our extended families there is a reticence to speak our mind, and we often resort to intermediaries, to convey the message.

I have gone out on a limb, and answered exactly what has been asked. If there is one thing that I feel guilty of, is that often I have not followed my own advice. Many friends have sought, been given, and having taken the advice, bettered their lives. I am also sure that there are people who might have been better off, not taking my advice. But that is neither here nor there. There is a point of time where in the ownership of advice passes from the giver to the receiver, and to me, that point is crossed on taking action. Having acted on a piece of advice, the receiver will benefit from the rewards of that decision, and correspondingly should take complete ownership of any downside.
Hence I would urge my friend who, when and if he reads this post, will recognise himself, to start voicing his views. I know that I for one will benefit from them.