In Failure's Defence

The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure - Sven Goran Eriksson.

My best friend gave me the best advice;

He said each day is a gift and not a given right;

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind;

And try to take the path less travelled by;

- Nickelback

Is the fear of failure infused or hereditary? Why is it that you see some infants who seem to be completely devoid of fear, throwing themselves off walls and trees, and others who cannot place a foot without first being sure of where it will land? Do elders instill their fears into them, or is it that they have some insecurity built into their genes?

The failures that I refer to are not only the physical ones, but encompass the emotional, spiritual and mental spheres. I had read somewhere that every child is born with only two instincts (could be labeled as latent memories) which are to suck and to grasp. Everything else is learned in this world. Their early influences are probably the parents and immediate family. Humans are the most nurturing of all parenting species, and our children need it. They need our protection and succor well into childhood, unlike other animals who can fend for themselves much faster. It must then be the parents who infuse fears into their children – fears about falling and getting hurt, eating the wrong things, falling sick, failing examinations, getting lost, fear of criticism and ridicule, relationships and rejection. There are so many that the list can go on and on.

Take for example the way we bring up our kids. I know that there have been lots of articles comparing growing up before the baby boomers became parents, and growing up now, and all of them make hilarious sense. We laugh at the obvious comparisons and yet continue to do what we should not. We will buy helmets and knee pads before we buy a bicycle, trees and walls are to be looked at never to be climbed, everything that goes into the mouth has to be filtered, purified and sterilized. A cut or a bruise is so infrequent that the child actually takes time to grasp what it is, before they start crying from the hurt. Every mild infection has to be zapped out of existence with antibiotics, and Doctors need to be consulted even if the medicines that are prescribed are self evident. Teachers have to be cautioned against rebuking errant children, in case they get emotionally and psychologically scarred. When we were growing up, the dictum was that children should be seen and not heard. Now they have an equal voice on a table full of adults. An outspoken child is seen as a prodigy, rather than what it oft times is - a nuisance.

Some of the above seem quite petty to comment on, and may make you shrug with indifference; however these create a mindset in the child. It shapes and shades their character and forges their levels of resilience. As we ferry them in the cocooned luxury of air-conditioned cars, we increase their tactile distance from the realities of the world around them. They do not experience the smells that surround us nor do they appreciate the sights that flash by. There is no connectivity with the external world as they traverse through it. As children, we learnt a lot of the way of the world through our own senses. As we walked or cycled down bumpy roads or traversed littered side streets, we absorbed first hand the unfairness of life. A journey in a commuter bus or a local train can be a revelation of human nature, as we witness (and sometimes live) humanities small battles, with victories and defeats in every face. In any major metropolis, the press and throng of people compresses learning, and makes its children wise beyond their years.

The last time we were in Mumbai the very day we landed, we had to go for a dinner to one of the suburbs. By the time we finished it was quite late and as we were getting into our car we were accosted by beggars. Having grown up in that city, I am completely oblivious to their advances, but for my daughter this was probably the first time that she had come across this situation. One of them was a young girl of six or seven years of age, and on seeing her, my daughter, who is just slightly older herself, was completely enraptured. When we explained to her about beggars and about all children not being born equal in opportunity, all of the other lectures of not wasting food, and being happy with what one has, suddenly came home to her. She started crying and did not stop till we reached home. All through the three weeks we were there, every time we confronted a child begging, we would have to stop to give some money or food.

If we look at the modern methods of parenting, as advocated by experts in the field, every child needs to be treated with utmost respect. Admonishments and punishments are to be frowned upon, and it is never too early to give children a head start. For example I know one mother-to-be who used to make her unborn child listen to stories and fairy tales, with the intent that the child would learn to speak faster. Many parents truly believe that saying no to a child would leave a permanent scar on their development. It is almost tantamount to a capital crime! These are the same parents who give respect to their children before they have earned it, provide the best facilities before they need it, and protect them from their failures when they should be letting them bear the brunt of them. I just cannot understand how it is not obvious that life outside of the parents warm sheltered loving embrace, will be different and difficult, and making your child strong today is actually in the best interests for their future.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week, and the topic drifted to kids, and his view was that times have changed radically and hence the approach to child rearing should also change to reflect that. He was responding to my comment that we do not provide our children with all the gizmos that are so in vogue now – like designer clothes, mobiles, Ipads etc. I feel that their ability to withstand peer pressure today will make them stronger individuals as they go along. His view was that, that policy could have negative repercussions in the form of lower self esteem, lack of confidence and potentially, embarrassment. I could not disagree, as the possibility always exists, however any approach needs to be backed up by constant dialogue and communication. We continually try and tell our kids that their clothes and their accessories do not define them. It is definitely not cool to talk in monosyllables and without making eye contact, or walk in a slouch with headphones hanging from their ears. All that does is create a distance between them and their world, (other than leading to premature deafness !!). My son has learnt a bit of forbearance and temperance, but my daughter is still very fragile in her ability to accept any rebukes and refusals.

Every decision that they make will not necessarily be the right one, but having made wrong decisions it would be an even bigger failure to stop taking decisions. Success is not guaranteed, but a lack of commitment and effort will guarantee its absence. As our children grow and spread their wings, they will need to learn to face rejection, failure, lack of success, and possibly ridicule. Prejudice, bigotry and discrimination exist everywhere, and it is important for them to get to know that fact, as early as possible. They will learn that this is not a fair world, and that nobody promised it to be a fair one. "Expecting the world to be fair to you just because you are a nice person, is like expecting a lion not to eat you because you are a vegetarian." It is the ability to accept and make the most of ones life in an unfair world, that differentiates successful people.

The earlier our children learn this, the better will be their ability to manage the ups and downs of life. But most importantly they will need to get familiar with failure, to make friends with success.