Life, As I Like It

Ok - this is one blog, actually the only one so far, where I will give out some unsolicited advice. Let me caution you, that to a large extent this targets the male gender and definitely does not apply to kids. It is not the most profound advice, nor is it unique. Actually it is quite obvious, and works like a dream if you are (like me) an inherently lazy person, and can be applied in multiple spheres of our lives – the personal, as well as the professional. So here it comes!

If you do 'not' want to do something repeatedly - do it badly.

 

Following the above will free you up from 'chores' and allow you to concentrate on the truly meaningful (to yourself of course) pursuits. The trick here is to accomplish this with minimum repercussions on your attitude or your relationships. It takes brains and leadership (I only threw leadership in, as that word gets everybody excited).

 

So let me give you a few examples:-

 

If asked to cook something - mix ingredients in a fashion that leaves the residue completely unpalatable. If you (like me) are not too fussed about what you put in your mouth, you can even pretend to like your own concoction.

 

Let us say you do not like doing the dishes. A few incidents with the family crockery, will ensure that you will never be seen standing in front of the sink again. A few burnt clothes while ironing, dark clothes mixed up with light ones in the wash – you get my drift!

 

At work, if your boss has a deadline for a presentation, give him fifty percent of what he asked for at the eleventh hour. His obvious stress, and failure to make an impression with his own bosses, will ensure that such demands are never made on you again. Make sure that he 'perceives' you to be working flat out and on overtime for him, or else you risk being fired.

 

This strategy also works in the negative. For example if you want to be in Group or Family photographs, just ensure that whenever asked to 'take' a photo, the subjects somehow have their heads cut off, or are a fuzzy blur. A few special occasions ruined will ensure that you and the camera are permanently divorced. Another tactic that works (only for over forty year olds), is to squint and peer at the buttons of the camera in an unfocused manner, in front of a large and impatient group. Someone, out of sheer frustration, is bound to volunteer on your behalf, with no aspersions on your lack of effort.

 

You can mix and match the different spheres in your life as well. If your wife has diarized an unpleasant errand for you to accompany her on (e.g. going to the baby shop to pick up a gift, or going to the fish market), an unexpected evening meeting called by your Boss, or an urgent presentation for the Board, will safely navigate you out of that requirement.

 

This advice is only for people who do not want to admit to being selfish and lazy, but at the same time practice it! It takes a lot of self-confidence, an absence of guilt, and a very thick skin to be able to deflect society’s arrows. However, if you are the sort of person who takes pride in everything you do, or have an exaggerated desire to make yourself useful in every situation, this advice is definitely not for you.

 

I must confess that I am not a very good practitioner, but that is not due to the lack of trying. I have been at it for years and have seen the difference between an amateur like myself and a professional. I tend to make it obvious that I do not want to do that work, and hence I go about deliberately cocking it up. Hence if someone else lands up taking my load, it will be reluctantly and angrily. Also the mark of an amateur is the residual feeling of guilt. The professionals, on the other hand, will make people feel for them by pretending helplessness or feigning ignorance. They can even make others thank them for doing what they wanted them to do. Some can make you feel bad to even THINK that they should be doing something. Those guys are the Grandmasters!

 

My governing principle in life is to try and keep a huge distance between myself, and tiresome repetitive tasks. House cleaning, chauffeuring kids, gardening, home repair, cooking, etc. are errands that I want to have only a glancing acquaintanceship with. These are thankless tasks to be repeated as soon as they are done, and all I have ever got for my efforts in the past are criticism and disdain. Following my advice leaves me free to do the things I want to do, and am good at - like watching TV, or reading books.

 

Of course if you manage to combine the above (like I have) with marrying someone who likes to keep busy, is house-proud and a control freak - then you are truly in a sloths paradise.