To my Son on High School Graduation

Hey Tush,

Wow - graduating from High School huh? And turning eighteen - all at the same time.

Until a few years ago I did not even know what High School meant. But then I did not know so many things that I know now - a lot of them because of you. Of course I still do not know "many" things - but then that is neither here nor there, and probably the reason why one studies earlier on and then continues to learn all through life.

Anyway I am not going to harp too much on this High School graduation - because I think that would be an insult to someone with your aspirations and capacity. To congratulate you on something as mundane as this would be supercilious and condescending. I know that this is just the first small step to the great life that awaits you.

Instead I will focus on your turning eighteen and on you and me - a son and his father! And that is where I am really struggling baby boy. Struggling to say meaningful things, struggling to keep my emotions in check and of course struggling to cope with (in my mind at least) the inexorable strides of time.

Speaking of time - where the hell did the time go? Like a furtive thief it slipped by me, without me even noticing. But unlike a common thief it took away my most valuable possession - time.

When did you change from my little baby-boy to the strapping and handsome youth in front of me?

When did you transition from the lad trying valiantly to keep up with me on our runs together, to this youth who easily outstrips his Dad?

I really want to know that point when we changed roles - from my 'telling' you what to do, to my 'asking' you what should be done. That point - when I was flummoxed and I turned to you for the first time to see if you knew the answer.

The thing is, however that these transitions were so smooth, so effortless, that one hardly felt the shift in gear. And that has been the way with you in everything that you have ever sought to achieve. Quietly and under the radar, your determination and your will to succeed would vanquish whatever devils that you sought to fight that particular day.

Even the transition point from a happy and cheerful child with the most engaging laugh, to the intense and serious teenager is almost impossible to pinpoint. There was no watershed moment when I felt that you had passed from one stage of life into another.

Minimum fuss, maximum impact - that is what you are.

I have felt that the last few years have been difficult for me predominantly because of my work status. But when I actually think about it, these days could not have come at a better time. They rewarded me with the greatest gift a Dad can have - the time to spend with his son!

At the end of it all - I have said all that I have wanted to tell you (and more) in our "talks". Of course you know I mean my "lectures"!! I really feel like I have nothing to impart on such a momentous occasion in your life. Like a marathon runner who has run so much on his practice runs, that there is no juice left on race day!

Truly you have never disappointed me - EVER! If at any point in time you have felt that you did - it was entirely due to the fact that ever since I can remember I have thought of you as an adult. Even as a ten year old, your demeanor and poise made me treat you as one much older. I did not let the young boy that you were, linger around for too long - because I was in a hurry to meet the man you would become. As a father I kept setting standards and you kept exceeding them.

The values and principles that define you - the entire package that is Tushar Shroff is just amazing (and that is not just coming from your father).

I love you baby boy - more than I can express and more than you can know.

I am also extremely proud of you  - my heart swells every time I think of you.

BUT even more than the love and the pride - I feel BLESSED for having you in my life. If it is true that we select the parents we get born to - then your Mum and I owe you a big THANK YOU and an immense debt of gratitude for choosing us.

Yours always,

Dad

  

Family Guy

It is not often that a man can admit that he is in sync with his spouse - but I must confess that that is true for me. In fact not only with my wife, but my kids as well!

How do I know that? you may well ask!

 

Well, the thought struck me a few months ago when .....

 

One evening I was contemplating and debating aloud on the various options I had to fritter away my time, when my wife asked me to run an errand with her. As we were driving to our destination, she turned to me and apologized for dragging me with her. She felt that I had been keen on doing something else, nevertheless she had wanted me to come along for the company. (For the record - I am always keen on doing something else! Whatever the plan - I want to do the opposite, and like any guy I have too many distractions - the TV, Xbox, Gym, Beach, the list goes on …) 

 

The reason I remember this occasion was that I actually 'wanted' to step out of the house and spend the evening with her. Internally, I had felt quite grateful that she had taken my indecisiveness by its neck and thrust a decision on to me. Hence I was quite surprised by 'her' perception of the situation.

As any man in a relationship knows, having a credit balance with ones better half is a tenuous and slippery slope and so I let discretion be the better part of valor. I turned to her, took her hand and said that nothing was a sacrifice for her. And (as I was driving) quickly turned my head back to the road, before she could see through my charade. She accepted my feigned acceptance with a look saying that she was in my debt "big time". Which only served to make me feel guiltier!

 

And as I continued driving and with my guilt acting as a catalyst, it occurred to me that it had actually been a while since I had disliked or not looked forward to doing anything with her, or the kids for that matter. We have reached a nice balance and are attuned to each other’s moods and idiosyncrasies. Our likes and dislikes, which a few years ago would have been light years apart, have now started to converge. Since our week days are quite regimented, we have all somehow fallen into a cadence and have started enjoying the time spent together. Our views on diets, exercise, school, etc. seem aligned.

Take for example:

 

Movies and Bollywood

We love Sci-Fi and big budget action flicks (even though some of them do stretch it a bit). My wife does sometimes drop hints to go see a Hindi movie, but there is really no teeth in it. Since neither of the kids understands much Hindi anyway, there is not much support from them - if anything there is only resistance! And to be completely honest the few recent Bollywood movies we have seen at home, have been very good.

 

I still believe that as bad as Indian cinema is on action and comedy, it gets into its own in the tear-jerking genre. I just do not know why but I seem to cry the most in Hindi movies - even the happy scenes have me dabbing my eyes!! (Maybe it is the residual reaction of being forced to watch them as a kid, with their absurd action sequences, interspersed by song and dance routines at the most inopportune times.)

 

Babies and Errands

All the things that seemed to irritate me in the past - like visits to the fish market or going shopping to the baby shop, have quietly faded out of our lives. The kids have grown up, so no more baby games and baby talk either - though my daughter had to step up to the plate a bit faster on her development. Even the guilt associated with my lack of desire to take my kids to the garden and push them around on swings and seesaws has dissipated as it is not relevant anymore. They are old enough to amuse themselves.

All the DIY stuff required around the house is taken care of by my wife, my friends or the professionals. She loves to tinker around the house while I am lounging on the sofa watching TV (with a big bowl of crisps on my lap). Even our visits to ACE and other hardware stores are coordinated, so that while she is checking out drills, paints and nails, I would be in the store next door browsing for the latest tech gadgets or sports gear.    

 

Night and Social life

Another thorn in our collective sides used to be weekend nights. I always preferred to tuck in early and my wife used to want to stay up till dawn. Notice I said "used to"? Even here we have reached a happy medium, with anything between 11.00 pm and midnight a sort of compromise.

 

Our children seem to be following suit, getting into bed at a reasonable hour. My daughter does seem more prone to following in her mother’s earlier footsteps. She is definitely not a morning person, but a cheerful and noisy awakening in the wee hours generally puts paid to that.  

 

Even the social entanglements, over which we used to have incessant arguments on, have receded. At one point in time, I used to feel like we were meeting and greeting every one of the Million plus visitors from Mumbai coming to Dubai. I still get this vague sensation of sometimes being in the center of a whirl of unknown faces and people, making themselves comfortable in my house.   

 

Education

As a bachelor my biggest fear of having children was about sitting and making them study. I had studied enough to last a few lifetimes and I had absolutely no desire to sit with textbooks again. My parents never made us study – and I wanted to carry that tradition forward. I was blessed that my In-Laws had a similar working model and hence my wife also felt the same way. In this matter though, there were two things in my favor, that I had not considered at the time.

 

Thing One

was the fact that subjects have evolved so much that if I had to go back to school today I would probably have to start in third grade. Hence helping my children with their studies was an impossibility. Both children were made aware very early on, that the best help is self help. We also clarified to them that we were not the sort of parents to visit the school incessantly, nor did we have a raging desire to befriend their teachers. As far as their grades were concerned, counter-intuitively it was effort that counted, not results.

 

Thing Two

was their school curriculum. Unlike the one that we grew up with, it is one that penalizes the teachers for the student’s non-performance, rather than the parents. That means that we are largely oblivious of what and how they are doing in school - an arrangement that seems to be eminently agreeable to all parties. 

 

There used to be one issue with their school which used to harbor a large population of resident “expatriate” mums, who with nothing better to do, would ramble around the school basically making a nuisance of themselves. Scheduling weekly coffee mornings and PTA's, as well as helping out as assistants, in addition to arranging hundreds of social events, which we never attended. And obviously their kids became the hotshots, being favored with more privileges. However under new school management, it seems that mothers are not that welcome anymore, which definitely relieves the pressure of guilt on my wife, as the only working Mum in the entire school.

 

The Cracks

I am not naïve enough to think that this will go on forever. I can already see some cracks in my utopia, but in the interest of the reader I will keep those for another blog.

In the meantime, I continue to enjoy this purple patch while it lasts.

A Pain in the Neck

It was one of those days - and I seem to be having a few recently. You feel a sense of lethargy - almost of resignation! A day when one does not feel like springing out of bed, but instead just wants to loll around.  

 

It was the weekend on a glorious winter day – the sort of day when I would normally get up early and be raring to get out and do something. The kind of day my family hates, as I drive them up the wall by noisily clattering around in the house to get them up and about, when all they want is to sleep a bit more. The kind of day when I would whistle tunelessly to aggravate them out of bed! And once up and staggering about, I would pepper them with nonsensical suggestions on how we could spend the rest of the day, thereby irritating them even further. (I think there is nothing as irritating as having someone bathed, dressed and ready early in the morning, cheerfully planning and bustling about, while you are still staggering around waiting for the caffeine to hit!!) 

And yet that day - I felt no such desire!

 

It was not depression or dejection - just boredom I think. A day when the tedium of living my quotidian life got to me – making me feel restless. Almost everything that I would normally want to do - like go to the Beach, or for a ride on my Motorbike, or go to the Gym - all felt like just too much bother. Normally I am a firm defendant of having and following routines, but this was the sort of day when one railed against them. I felt trapped in and by my routines and the effort of trying to make a change just did not seem worth the benefit.

Anyway in this desultory mood, I agreed to accompany my wife to a local mall. She wanted to browse around for her clothes and so I decided to peel off on my own. When she is looking for her stuff, she actually prefers that I am not around so that she can focus on what she wants. With me in tow she keeps getting distracted by my fancies for the latest gizmos or my sartorial requirements. It is quite strange because I cannot shop 'without' her, and she cannot shop 'with' me!

On such days I do not mind leaving her to it either, as that saves me from trudging around behind her from one clothes store to the other. She gets quite annoyed with my vacant expression while she is pulling out different outfits for my opinion, and more often than not in sheer frustration leaves without a purchase. She tends to buy much less when I am with her. Knowing this and depending on the state of the monthly budget as well as the time of the month, I generally decide whether to accompany her or not. I stick to her like a leech towards the end of the month when our budget is gasping for breath :-)  

Soon enough the temperature in the mall combined with the copious amount of tea I had had, drew me to the nearest washroom. As I finished and headed for the bank of basins to wash up, I saw the toilet attendant (yes we have those) talking to another cleaner. The two of them were in deep conversation, and in my dark mood I wondered whether they would be feeling any chipper than me. Here I was, with not a blight on my horizon, still feeling quite edgy! I could not help but wonder then, as to the mood of a person on possibly the lowest rung of the ladder.

 

I truly believe in the dignity of labour and have nothing against any person’s honest livelihood, but I struggle to think of any job that would compare to that of a toilet attendant. If there is anybody who should rightfully be in a foul mood, it should be this chap. Working in an upmarket mall, on a weekend, surrounded by well-heeled people, out shopping, dining and basically just enjoying life, while one cleans toilets - should be enough to blacken anyone’s mood.

 

With these thoughts, I went up to the basin closest to them to gauge their mood. They were talking in a language that I could not understand but I thought that their body language should be enough. Anyway as I sidled closer, I could hear animated conversation and then saw the smiles. They both absolutely radiated happiness. As the man turned to me with a beaming smile and handed me a tissue to wipe my wet hands with, his mood rubbed off on me. I left the washrooms in a slightly better frame of mind than the one I entered in.

 

And as I was walking around, this little interaction seemed to have sharpened my senses. I started noticing the people around me - getting in and out of high-fashion stores and shops. Hands full of shopping and designer bags on their elbows. I passed cafe's full of people eating, talking or just sitting - and I started to play a mental game of trying to guess their mood and frame of mind from their faces and body language.

As I meandered around like an amateur Sherlock Holmes I realized that I was not alone in that mood. People's facial expressions (especially when they are alone or not in someones direct gaze) reflect their mood, and I could sense tension, stress and unhappiness on many. Smiles that did not reach their eyes, frowns when they thought no one was looking, a harassed and frantic walking style - all told me that no matter their outward manifestation, people carried their own share of burdens.

I could not but help and compare myself and these many others who, despite the countless blessings bestowed on us, still spend an inordinate amount of time in a foul mood. Maybe we have more to lose, maybe our egos are bigger or have a further distance to fall - no matter what, there is quite a contrast. 

Maybe it is to do with the stridency of the 'things' that surround us in our lives now, the clutter of objects and expectations that sit on our shoulders like a stone. And as we keep adding to their weight, the fear of dropping the boulder increases. Worries, doubts, and insecurities start overtaking us, and if we let them will envelop us so completely in a shroud of darkness, that we will lose sight of the bright lights along the way – like stars peeping out from behind storm clouds. 

Coming back to the attendant, I am not naive to think that he would not be having his own problems. In all probability his issues are huge and maybe I caught him on a rare day. Living in a labor camp, away from loved ones, his life could be full of drudgery. On other days he might be looking up at people in the Mall and feeling distraught, depressed and unhappy.

 

But at the end of it all if 'he' could smile and laugh, we should by all accounts be dancing and clicking our heels in joy. 

If boredom is the only cloud on ones horizon, then one is truly lucky!

And that also made me realise that whether one is standing at the bottom looking up, or at the top looking down, one is bound to get a crick in the neck.