Culture vulture

Culture is a funny thing, and in all cases (I am sure) means different things to different people.

 

Take for example my early years in Dubai. One of the common refrains I heard was that it was a good place to live in, but lacked culture. Even though I never argued against it, to this day I do not really know what that statement meant. Dubai had (still does actually) great sports facilities, restaurants, movie theaters, music groups, etc. but obviously that was not enough. I think it was something to do with old buildings and art galleries, but can't be sure as I quite like modern skyscrapers. It was not as if there were no arty events in Dubai in those days. I remember going for a Russian Ballet with my wife - a Black Tie affair with the crème-de-la-crème of Dubai society. We had managed to procure passes from someone, who must have been under the notion that I might be vaguely interested. My Mother In Law used to like this sort of thing, though my Father In Law would generally deride ballet. He preferred not to go to shows where men danced around wearing tights and (in his words) what looked like stuffed ‘samosas’ in their crotch. All I remember of that show, were these dancers in white leggings prancing around on stage, and the food and music lulling me to sleep at the back of the hall. Give me a Hollywood Blockbuster any day!

 

Then let us take Accents. Since Hollywood is the main global cultural force, an American accent is deemed mainstream, an English one is perceived as interesting, and French or a Spanish accent as exotic. English spoken with an Indian accent however is universally thought of as funny, despite the fact that as a Nation, Indians would be the biggest bloc of English speakers in the World. So as an Indian kid, unless your aspirations are to become a bit actor in a Hollywood B movie, you will lose your accent before you have lost your diapers. Indian parents will be the first to encourage their children to speak with a 'Phoren' accent, and actually inflate with pride when their offspring stumbles around in their own mother tongue. The fact that this brogue is a mix of four jumbled accents is lost on them.

 

Music has had the most tectonic of shifts as far as culture goes. Growing up, a concert generally meant a classical music recital. The hoi polio of Bombay would descend into the auditorium, speaking in the Queen’s English with a few Parsi dowagers even resorting to French. It was definitely not for the masses. Today on MTV all you see are bikini clad girls and bare chested heavily-muscled guys gyrating away seductively. It seems in America, women singers perform either next to the ocean or in inner city alleys, and that it is mandatory to don beachwear everywhere. Behind them a bunch of (presumably) their friends would be doing choreographed hip-hop, with inverted pee-caps and dark glasses. And to think that we used to laugh at Bollywood dance numbers! This kind of dance form and of course the concept of cheerleading during games, has caught the World's imagination. The Indian Premier League brought it into vogue and it has touched new nadirs with the ongoing Cricket T20 World Cup in Sri Lanka. We have been exposed to cheerleaders that can pour misery on any man's happiness. Now why would a nation that has centuries of music and dance history, go down this route?

 

Look at the sari - as elegant and versatile an outfit as any can get. My mother used to wear it to work every day. Worn one way it is a modest garment that is often used to portray the mother or sister in Indian cinema, and worn another portrays a vamp to titillate the masses. But somehow the cropped blouse and short slitted skirt (with obligatory high heels) won the favor of Indian women. One hardly sees a sari being worn nowadays. I am not complaining, just making a point.

 

Coming to food - who decided that Japanese food was high cuisine? I see people (including my wife) relishing raw fish wrapped in boiled rice and seaweed. Seaweed!! These are the same people who will baulk at eating veggies, but will savor seaweed. How is seaweed not a vegetable? Maybe it is the salt or the fortune that one pays for sushi that fools them. Indian food got the short end of the stick. I am sure they would be piling into ‘aloo gobi’ if it was served by a grim faced overdressed waiter, and cost an arm and a leg!

 

And why is it that we think nothing about imitating the urbane set, imitating the Chinese eating with chopsticks, but will shudder to eat Indian food with our hands?

 

Talking about chopsticks makes me think of the time when as teenagers we had gone to a Chinese restaurant for dinner, after a volleyball match. We were all hungry lads with huge appetites, with little sympathies for the slow or the fastidious. A friend who had just returned from the UK, felt the urge to show how much class he had picked up while there, and asked for chopsticks to eat with. I think I would be stating the obvious to say that fingers are more effective to eat with, than chopsticks. He was faced with a stark choice; either to continue picking at his food with chopsticks and go hungry or, drop them and get full value for the meal that he would contribute towards. Neither his quandary nor his chopsticks lasted long!

 

To date I refuse to use chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant, but would gladly wade into a South Indian Thali with my fingers.

 

And by the way which moron in the Developed World decided that toilet rolls are a better way to clean oneself with, than water? Ok let us not go there!

 

I imagine a hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humor and English wine - Peter Ustinov.