Is Sharing good? Apparently not!

Sometimes I cannot help but contrast the way my generation grew up with the way our children are growing up. I know it is not fair to them or to us – but I cannot help it. When we do get to talking about this the reactions I get from my children, range from bemusement to irritation. I do not blame them as it can be quite annoying when someone starts saying - "When I was your age.......".

And there are so many facets that lend themselves to comparison - from the friends we had, to technology, schools we attended, to the games we played. But recently I was thinking more about individual space and privacy. I grew up in a small apartment shared with (in addition to my parents) a sibling, grandparents, and a procession of Aunts, who seemed to prefer living with us as opposed to being alone. My parents always made them feel welcome and housed them for years. Obviously that meant that space in the house was always at a premium. This kind of situation, was (and still is) not uncommon back home, and one just got used to adjusting and compromising to accommodate one another.  

 

 

This morning on the Radio the topic of the day, was about children sharing rooms. A lady had sent an SMS about her little boy and girl sharing a room, and how she was repeatedly being told by friends and colleagues that that was not correct. There was a lot of feedback from listeners, all in the same vein of course. The general view was that a brother and sister should not be sharing a room, as it tended to impact their confidence and development later. (Probably the reason for my own lack in both areas!).

 

Many listeners added that as children grow older they need and should get, privacy and each should hence be housed in separate rooms. Two twelve year olds called in to say that they used to share rooms and they hated it. Yeah - right!! That makes it inviolable does it not? These calls by two kids, made one of the DJ's, who had been sitting on the fence so far, change her view on this issue.

 

All through this I was thinking - What bollocks!!

 

What cloud cuckoo land do these people live in? Are they even aware of the fact that a vast majority of the World’s population does not even have a roof over their head? That in most of the developing world, entire families (not just siblings) share living space? I am sure that children in refugee camps across the world will be clucking away in sympathy for these poor kids who had to share a room till they turned ten.

 

As mentioned earlier, this subject had been on my mind lately. We have been having house guests over the last few months, which has meant that sleeping arrangements for both my children have been in a state of flux. They have their own rooms, but at these times one or the other (in turn) is evicted to make room for our guests. Let me reassure you that I have no sympathy for them at all. I actually think it is great, as it makes my children (for a while at least) appreciate the space and not take it for granted.

 

My wife and I both had to share a room growing up. Even today the door to our room is open, be it day or night, as my wife always worries about not hearing one of them call out if they need something. Many times I have questioned our decision to give individual rooms to our children, when we moved into this house. According to me, all we have done is opened the door to a mindset of entitlement and selfishness. An outlook where something shared is equivalent to something lost. I think that compromise and adjustment learned early, create a lifelong habit of tolerance, inclusiveness and sharing, qualities the world and especially this generation is sorely in need of.

 

When we lived in a smaller house, our children used to run to greet us when we walked in at the end of the day. Today we face closed bedroom doors, and have to knock to let them know we are home. In the evenings there used to be more interaction in the living room, as the children did not have their own room to run to, the second the conversation veered to a topic that did not interest them. With the result that they now learn less about our lives, about each other and the physical world they exist in.

 

When they shared a room:-

There were more arguments, but there was also more communication, more adjusting and a higher involvement in each other’s lives.

They had less space but more discipline, as it taught them to be neat and organized with their stuff.

There was more fighting, but also more patience with each other.

There was more annoyance 'with' each other, but also more learning 'from' each other.

Their shared room was clutter free, as each kept a check on the other. Without that counter-balance, their rooms are now littered with clothes, shoes, books, crayons and other paraphernalia.

 

Having been brought up in a household without doors I have an issue with closed doors at home. A shared room will hardly ever have doors habitually shut. Every time I see my childrens closed bedroom door, my first instinct is to walk away. When I do feel compelled to enter, I knock and then feel worse because I think I am intruding - and I hate that! How can it be right that a parent feels like an interloper, entering their child’s room?

There is just too much rhetoric being spouted about childrens fundamental need for privacy. Why do they need privacy? If they are not doing anything improper there is no need for privacy, and if they 'ARE' indulging in something bad, then they definitely should not get it. (Yeah like - my son is smoking pot in his room, and hence needs to keep his door shut!)

  

As George Carlin said "We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences and less time".

 

 

We have been inured into thinking that every child needs their space. I know couples who have either moved into a bigger house or turned their existing one upside down, to accommodate an infant in a separate room. Why? An infant needs a cot and not much more! Why should a games room or a study be converted into a bedroom for the second child? Let them share. 



We succumb to peer pressure, or blindly follow the blathering’s of psychologists and new age child specialists. In our desire to "Keep up with the Jones'", we have blindsided ourselves to the negatives. We have stopped counting the joy of shared experiences, to instead focus on counting the times that privacy 'may' be invaded.

 

Anyway, I look forward to having more house guests. And if each of your kids have a room for themselves, then good for you. But do not think, even for a minute that, that is the only ‘right’ way to raise kids.

Life, As I Like It

Ok - this is one blog, actually the only one so far, where I will give out some unsolicited advice. Let me caution you, that to a large extent this targets the male gender and definitely does not apply to kids. It is not the most profound advice, nor is it unique. Actually it is quite obvious, and works like a dream if you are (like me) an inherently lazy person, and can be applied in multiple spheres of our lives – the personal, as well as the professional. So here it comes!

If you do 'not' want to do something repeatedly - do it badly.

 

Following the above will free you up from 'chores' and allow you to concentrate on the truly meaningful (to yourself of course) pursuits. The trick here is to accomplish this with minimum repercussions on your attitude or your relationships. It takes brains and leadership (I only threw leadership in, as that word gets everybody excited).

 

So let me give you a few examples:-

 

If asked to cook something - mix ingredients in a fashion that leaves the residue completely unpalatable. If you (like me) are not too fussed about what you put in your mouth, you can even pretend to like your own concoction.

 

Let us say you do not like doing the dishes. A few incidents with the family crockery, will ensure that you will never be seen standing in front of the sink again. A few burnt clothes while ironing, dark clothes mixed up with light ones in the wash – you get my drift!

 

At work, if your boss has a deadline for a presentation, give him fifty percent of what he asked for at the eleventh hour. His obvious stress, and failure to make an impression with his own bosses, will ensure that such demands are never made on you again. Make sure that he 'perceives' you to be working flat out and on overtime for him, or else you risk being fired.

 

This strategy also works in the negative. For example if you want to be in Group or Family photographs, just ensure that whenever asked to 'take' a photo, the subjects somehow have their heads cut off, or are a fuzzy blur. A few special occasions ruined will ensure that you and the camera are permanently divorced. Another tactic that works (only for over forty year olds), is to squint and peer at the buttons of the camera in an unfocused manner, in front of a large and impatient group. Someone, out of sheer frustration, is bound to volunteer on your behalf, with no aspersions on your lack of effort.

 

You can mix and match the different spheres in your life as well. If your wife has diarized an unpleasant errand for you to accompany her on (e.g. going to the baby shop to pick up a gift, or going to the fish market), an unexpected evening meeting called by your Boss, or an urgent presentation for the Board, will safely navigate you out of that requirement.

 

This advice is only for people who do not want to admit to being selfish and lazy, but at the same time practice it! It takes a lot of self-confidence, an absence of guilt, and a very thick skin to be able to deflect society’s arrows. However, if you are the sort of person who takes pride in everything you do, or have an exaggerated desire to make yourself useful in every situation, this advice is definitely not for you.

 

I must confess that I am not a very good practitioner, but that is not due to the lack of trying. I have been at it for years and have seen the difference between an amateur like myself and a professional. I tend to make it obvious that I do not want to do that work, and hence I go about deliberately cocking it up. Hence if someone else lands up taking my load, it will be reluctantly and angrily. Also the mark of an amateur is the residual feeling of guilt. The professionals, on the other hand, will make people feel for them by pretending helplessness or feigning ignorance. They can even make others thank them for doing what they wanted them to do. Some can make you feel bad to even THINK that they should be doing something. Those guys are the Grandmasters!

 

My governing principle in life is to try and keep a huge distance between myself, and tiresome repetitive tasks. House cleaning, chauffeuring kids, gardening, home repair, cooking, etc. are errands that I want to have only a glancing acquaintanceship with. These are thankless tasks to be repeated as soon as they are done, and all I have ever got for my efforts in the past are criticism and disdain. Following my advice leaves me free to do the things I want to do, and am good at - like watching TV, or reading books.

 

Of course if you manage to combine the above (like I have) with marrying someone who likes to keep busy, is house-proud and a control freak - then you are truly in a sloths paradise.