A nice discussion last night in the house with friends and family revealed (once again) to me that our experiences, though singular, are not unique and that all of us do tend to, at some time or the other, go through similar situations.
This time the topic was the inability of people to see good for others. It is more common than generally confessed, that close friends and even family, get closer at times of duress and more distant at times of plenty. It really does make you think about the old proverb "a friend in need is a friend indeed". In reality it is quite the opposite. One can count on the fingers of ones hand, the people who will be really happy during our times of joy. Quite often the people who surround us take no small amount of glee at our misfortunes, and get miffed at our successes. A little bit of this is trait is acceptable as normal competitiveness, but beyond a threshold, takes away from our experience.
This topic has come up with colleagues, most of whom hail from different countries, cultures and hence, presumably, different environments. Yet, all have experienced this at some time or the other. It seems to be a universal human trait.
This syndrome is garbed in different forms and has various names like envy, competition, evil eye, etc. However the results are the same. It manifests itself, sometimes in small ways like ignoring your good news (could be a big purchase, a promotion, or a new job), and sometimes, is exhibited in more cruel ways, where the people who you most want to share in your happiness, disparage or mock your joy or brush it aside.
A friend visiting from Bombay gave us a typical example. He had recently changed his car, and for the very first time in his life, had bought a new car, for which he had paid substantial money. To his dismay, friends instead of being happy for him, started to point out flaws and list defects. Some questioned the rationale of his decision vis a vis the make. Others would be more obtuse, and instead of denigrating his choice, would lavish praise on other car makes. All the while in his presence !! Their warped logic being, that praise for another (more sub-standard) make, would demean his purchase.
The result of this, is that people start to gloss over their achievements or stop talking about their life's victories. They would rather take the quieter road than suffer the slings and arrows from people close to them. They prefer to keep a low profile about good tidings and avoid the envy. Each will have a different approach, ranging from being completely closed and secretive, to conducting elaborate and arcane rituals to avoid the evil eye. In the above case, my friend criticises his own new (and beloved) car, before others get down to doing it, so as to take away the sting of their jealousy.
My theory is that people who cannot partake in the happiness of others, either suffer from massive insecurities, or are intrinsically unhappy in a major sphere of their life. They have to be pitied, not vilified. For such people life is a zero sum game. A bigger slice of the proverbial pie for another, means a smaller slice for them. Of course, reality is just the opposite. A friend earning more than me, does not make me poor. A friend buying a car of his dreams, does not make my car a jalopy. I can only imagine the hell that would be such people's lives, where their self-esteem is derived from other peoples achievements (or rather the lack of them).
My view is, that friends, who genuinely share your happiness will definitely be there to halve your sorrows, but the reverse is not guaranteed. If you believe that you are surrounded by people who share your joy, then count yourself lucky, and do everything in your power to make sure that they stay close.
But before we go around assessing our friends and the people around us, we need to turn the laser inwards. We need to ask ourselves as to what type we are. Do we celebrate our friends happiness and make sure that we show it ? Feeling happy but not showing appreciation, is not good enough! If we do not know the answer, or want to remove all vestiges of doubt, then we need to probe our friends a bit, on their perception of us and our behaviour. If nothing else it would make for a good topic of conversation at a dinner table.
So ask yourself, are you a zero sum gamer ?
2 comments:
You've hit the nail on the head there Zubs. Actually, as you have mentioned, there is a simple explanation for this- hearing of someone else's achievement/purchase etc., first and instinctively brings to mind one's own status (or lack of it) in that area. (Men are self-absorbed creatures after all). You can still be happy for that person; just not very happy with yourself - for the moment.
I dont think that anyone can be spared the rod as far as being guilty of this emotion. It starts in childhood when we innocently compare ourselves to our more affluent or more talented friends and wish that could be us- if only we had more pocket money or could run a bit faster or be funnier.... As we mature, most of us generally get involved in pursuing our careers, ambitions & dreams and dont really have time to waste on what others are doing. Its only when we reach a point where we take account of our lives & once again feel that we havent achieved what we thought we would- be it on the home front or professional front- or are bored with the circumstances that we are in, that we start looking around & once again let the petty emotion of jealousy cloud our minds. I do believe though that if we are inherently content with our lives, it becomes easier to appreciate the achievements of others. Everything seems positive when we are happy and nothing seems so when we are down. Its a human emotion that none of us (or very few of us)can claim to be above.
Post a Comment