How about leaving your Footprints on my Beach?

Going through my blog, I realise that I have dawdled on a variety of topics ranging from children and education, to corporate life and traffic snarls. I have interspersed these, with updates about what has been happening in my life.


I remember writing my first blog, as a way to vent my frustrations (pathetic as seen in current light) about the management of a major corporation. I truly believed that I could do a better job and hence wanted to express myself through this forum. At the time the blog was not intended to be public, and I had kept my identity to myself, so that even if someone were to chance on it, they would not know who the author was.


It was only after I had written a few articles and shown them to my wife that we jointly decided that "I should come out of the closet" so to speak. It took a lot of courage to actually circulate them, because in the very act of asking someone to read them, was the implicit arrogance that they were worth reading. I still struggle with this, and though on the one hand I would love to see my site's "footfall" increase, somehow on the other I am loath to publicize my dithering’s.


Your stuff starts out being just for you……. but then it goes out. Once you know what the story is and get it right - as right as you can, anyway - it belongs to anyone who wants to read it. Or criticize it.
- Stephen King


This site allows me to track page-views, to see what has been viewed and how often. To my surprise the articles that relate to my personal experiences have had the highest number of "hits". I guess people who know me, relate to them more than to the other perspectives that I have published.


I do think however, that some of my ignored op-eds were more interesting than my personal experiences. It takes some effort to come up with an issue to write about, and then articulate an argument around it. Obviously it gets easier if it is something that you feel strongly about, and funnily enough because you feel strongly, you would love to hear others agree or disagree with your view.


So I come to this conundrum as to, whether to bare-all in this forum which might interest people more, or to continue voicing my opinion. Should I adopt the Big Brother format for my blogs where-in I write about the trivia in my life, or should I try and adopt a more intellectual pose? My blog viewing history tells me that the former would be more successful, as most of you care not one fig about my views - and rightly so!

Over the last few months I have condensed each blog, tried desperately to hit a more humorous vein, and inserted pictures and cartoons to alleviate the tedium of text.


To conclude, even though I know how many times a blog has been viewed, I have no idea of the demographic, and hence it gets difficult to get the balance as regards relevance. In some cases I can guess who the reader is, and in very few I get comments. I really appreciate your comments, because whether you agree with my view or not, it means that you have taken the time and effort to read through, and there is no greater compliment than that.

So on my part I will try to make my blogs as readable, brief and enjoyable as I can, to make sure that you visit more often. On your part please do leave your comments (footprints) as and when you can, but better still - please keep reading.

We have come a long way Baby

It started as it always does, the casual touch of a hand, the sideways glance conferring more meaning than a tome. Words left unspoken, expressions that belied emotions, and all of these overshadowed by the fear of rejection. From that small seed of attraction decades ago, dictated more by pheromones and raging hormones, grew a tree that shades all else in my life. That seed was planted 15 years ago to the day, and looking back this magnificent tree owes its very existence to one person. This article is for my wife, or should I say my best friend, my companion, my backbone and my life partner.

For a relationship to have seen the back end of over 17 years (of which 15 are certified) is no small feat. These 17 years have seen us through quite a few ups and downs and looking back I wonder at it all. I feel like laughing at the doubts and the tribulations that now seen through the lens of hindsight seem so insignificant. I reflect on the good times already past with serendipity, and dream of the great times ahead. I look around me and take stock of my life, and every aspect, in fact, every cell of every building block of every aspect, and I see her stamp on it. Everything I have built, the entire edifice of my life has been hoisted by the untiring support and unstinting love showered on me by her. Many times the young sapling was on the verge of being uprooted by the gale force winds around it. It bent and twisted, was almost uprooted, but stood its ground. It bounced upright every time the wind abated and as its roots spread and as its trunk grew wide, it became strong.

It is difficult enough to be a pillar of support; it is made tougher still when you are made to feel that it is not necessary. For the most part of these years, that is the way I made her feel - loved but not needed, desired but not required. For a woman who derives her comfort and security from being needed, that was the unkindest cut of all. She has always been there for me, always in my shadow. I had but to voice, and my want became her command. In that shadowy place she survived, sustained, evolved to one day emerge, molded into what to me is perfection. I don't know how she did it, because even the hardiest of plants would find it difficult to survive let alone bloom in that murky place that my shadow cast. Many is the time that she wept herself to sleep, with not a word of comfort or solace. Her pride was such that she kept her grief to herself, as day passed day, and month passed month, alone in her insecurities and fears. Through those years, she stood steadfast, with a smile on her lips and hurt (that only I could see) in her eyes. Suppliant but resolute, her sorrow whitewashed by a ready laugh and a beaming smile (that over the years has won over many), she never left my side. Her soft hand was always there for me to grasp whenever I needed.

Of course there were periodic eruptions, some of gargantuan scale, but they always simmered down. By and large her placid and happy nature bore her through. In that high pressure environment, the very carbon in her atoms was slowly compressed over time into diamond. The caterpillar broke out of her chrysalis to emerge a butterfly - iridescent with colors and beautiful as only a creature of God can be. It has definitely not been an easy ride, nor has it been all fun. Relationships are the strongest that have been forged in the fires of torment, and to have come out reborn as tough as tempered steel. Over this time she worked her insidious magic so that today I cannot take a step without her being there. Her presence is all that it takes to soothe away my tensions, and the magic of her hands abates even a torrid fever. Her laugh, her unending chatter over the phone, the patter of her feet as she walks briskly around the house, her hand in mine when times are tough, her caress on my forehead as I drift off to sleep, her ability to always remind me of what is really important in life, her disdain for the trappings of wealth and her love for all mankind, all of these and many more are the traits that I love so dearly.

Having made it through the turbulence of these first few years, the road ahead looks smooth. There will for sure be bumps and humps ahead, just as there will be dangers lurking around every corner, but with her hand in mine, the journey ahead becomes an adventure. To take liberties with the old Virginia Slims advert - We have come a long way baby, but it is only because YOU have come a long way baby, and brought me along with you.

Bridge over Troubled Waters

The last few days have been very strange indeed. Not one, but three good friends approached me about issues that they are currently facing. Two of them are at a crossroad in their life, and are concerned about deciding which fork in the road to take. Both are in a particularly vexing situation and that decision will not be easy. Both have options, but options as they normally do, create uncertainty and stress. One is facing a deeply personal issue, and the other a professional one. Both stand on the threshold of deciding on a path that will unalterably change their lives. It would be a foolish person indeed, who would confidently tell them what to do. In actual fact, when we spoke, neither was really looking for answers. All they sought was a sounding board, a conduit to express inner thoughts, reflect, and then be able to take a more considered decision themselves.

The third friend, a close colleague in fact, also has a personal problem. One morning last week, as I went to him for our daily banter, he just told me to sit down, as he needed someone to talk to. According to him, he does not have too many people he could open up to and at that moment needed someone to just vent. He is quite a reticent person and hence opening up is not easy for him. While revealing some sketchy details of his problem he spoke about going through a torrid period, resulting in his seeking professional help. I did not probe further, since I am of the opinion that people will tell me, what they want, when they want. However knowing him the way I do, the very fact that he sought external assistance, indicated the depth of his quandary.

Considering the confidential nature of the discussions, I will not elaborate any further on the issues themselves. The purpose of this article is to reflect on the process of asking for advice and taking decisions, and the part others play in them. When people approach us with their problems or issues, often all they really seek is someone to hear them out. Someone they trust, to confide in. It does not necessarily have to be the person closest to them. In fact in some cases the people closest to us are the ones least able to provide help, either because they are mired too deep themselves, or cannot remain unbiased. It does not have to be the smartest person either or the one with all the answers. The best answers are often the ones that we find for ourselves. The decisions most often followed through are the ones we make for ourselves.

But we do need others to reflect with, to sound our ideas off or share our thoughts with. Whenever we find ourselves in difficulties we look for people around us to help us through. Most of us are fortunate enough to have supportive family, friends and colleagues, who we can talk to about the various challenges that arise in our lives. We have a plethora of lawyers, doctors, accountants, bankers, engineers, etc. to tap into, whenever we choose to. The fact that we do not do so is our own fault. Some of us are fortunate enough to have access to free advice, which if contracted on a professional basis would cost in the thousands.

Of course one needs to be selective about whom they go to for help. All people unfortunately are not equal, and some are better than others. The good ones are those who are not judgmental; the ones who will not make you feel bad about being in the pickle that you find yourself in. The last thing you need, at such a time, is someone who blames you for being in the situation you are in, no matter how correct that person is. The great ones are terrific listeners, people who are more intent on hearing you out, rather than launching immediately into solutions. They lead you to finding your own answer, rather than offering you a selection of pre-packed, shrink-wrapped solutions.

But how often do we use this pool of resources around us? Many a times we do not seek help, due to ego, embarrassment, shyness, or sometimes just plain fear of exposing our inner selves. It is a known fact that women are more prone to consult and ask for advice, than men. They do not feel bad about seeking guidance, nor do they shy away from acting on the same. However, men are different. Men are worried that by asking for help they reveal their ignorance. By displaying hurt or emotional disturbance they portray their weaknesses.

Recently I had a friend who lost a significant amount of money on an investment, simply because he never sought advice at the time that he took the decision to invest. It was a complex structured note, in addition to being leveraged, which needlessly increased his exposure. On top of that, the value of the investment was dependant on underlying indices, meaning that it was a derivative instrument. He was not made aware of the risks, and probably did not feel confident enough to ask some fundamental questions to the issuers of the note (a reputable institution), at the time he went into it. He is surrounded by bankers and finance professionals, who would have been more than willing to help out, but something prevented him from approaching them, till it was a bit too late.

We have all made some bad decisions in our lives, and chances are that we will make more. But when there are so many people around us, it would be good practice to talk about what we confront and the decisions ahead, before we take the leap. Advice is free and there is no obligation on the part of the receiver to act on it. Through discussions we gain different perspectives which only enhance the decision making process.

Last week I went through a gutting experience at work, or at least that is the way I felt. A situation transpired that made me feel abused and cheated. Discussing the matter with family, friends and colleagues, actually salved the hurt and the bitterness. It made me see the bigger picture, took away the hurt, and maybe saved me from embarrassing myself during my conversation with the offending party. A while ago, I would have kept this to myself, tried to handle the situation internally without sharing it, and in the process would have been far worse off mentally. However, because I did not see any shame in exposing my hurt, I got to share my pain and in the process halved it. Funnily enough, instead of pity or sympathy, what I got was shared empathy at the injustice. Talking about it did not diminish the hurt; it just increased my capacity to cope with it. And as with any hurt, time erases the memories. A week into my life, I already feel that I am past the worst.

I count myself lucky that I have people who I can approach, and who make me feel better about myself. So many others have no one to turn to in times of need. They have either cut themselves off or are themselves cut off. A common observation from friends, who have migrated to foreign lands, is one of loneliness and seclusion. After so many years they still talk of the lack of like-minded people who they can vibe and natter with. The type of friends who you can discuss deeply personal issues with and come out the better for it.

Friends are our bridges during stormy periods, and they help us crossover to the calmer side. We have so many of these bridges around us, each one different and each suited for specific tribulations. So many times we take the long way around, when all it takes is a few short steps to a friend.

To recommend or not, that is the question.

A chance comment or a passing remark during a conversation quite often sparks a chain of thoughts in my mind. These same comments, when I ruminate later, become a full-blown dialogue in my mind, which is what eventually becomes a blog post. Now that I have given you the secret of my method, let me get down to the topic of this blog.

A few evenings ago, a conversation with a good friend revealed how one persons normality, is another’s madness. We were having a deep conversation on the meaning of friendship and its importance in our lives. I happened to make a chance remark about how, for me friendship included recommending to, and influencing people who matter to me, into doing things, which they may or may not have done without my intervention. To my surprise, my friend turned around and told me that that was something that he would never ever do. He would never recommend a course of action to friends, because he would never be able to live with himself if his recommendation turned out to be wrong.

Before I forget, I need to mention that we are talking here about decisions of consequence. It is not the choice of shoes or the next holiday, but more in terms of career options, or making a huge lifetime investment, etc.
I have blithely gone through life, exhorting and cajoling people close to me into taking action. Whether it is investments in property, further education, or career options, I have freely given "sage" advice, and not only that, I have been instrumental in planting seeds of thought into others minds, on matters that they had never considered. If asked for a recommendation between choices, I would without hesitation provide my preference. Of course I do make the effort to put myself in their shoes, but have never thought beyond that, to the consequences of them following that advice. I have also taken and followed other people’s advice, and have never blamed or held them responsible for the fall-out either.
My friend’s point of view is that, even if the person who acted on your persuasion does not blame you, there is still the matter of living with yourself. Knowing fully well that you might have been instrumental in causing emotional or financial damage to a friend is not conducive to peace of mind. You take some ownership of their trauma or grief, and as a friend would have to live it through.

Though this logic makes sense when put like this, on deeper reflection it does not stand. Imagine a different situation, where in, you were of the view that your friend was making a huge mistake with a particular issue. Your silence is equally damning! Your inaction in preventing him (which in a way is a recommendation) from doing something causes suffering.

Let me give you a real life example, which happened to my Dad. Many years ago, one of his friend’s daughter was planning to get married to a boy, who my father knew had a doubtful reputation. My father chose not to voice his concerns and remained silent. The girl got married and we heard that a few months later the marriage broke off. What my father had heard turned out to be true. He subsequently had the gumption to inform the girl’s parents, that he had been aware of some issues around the boy, but had been unable to voice them. The girl subsequently remarried and has rebuilt her life, but I can only imagine what my father’s friends would be thinking of him and his choice to stay silent.
So many times on our life, we stay silent when we should not. We fear rejection, or that our opinion will not be valued. Sometimes we feel that it is not our place to interject. I myself have stood in the sidelines quite often. This is more so, when it comes to issues like children, money, relationships etc., which are personal by nature, and hence more sensitive. Even if not completely silent we hedge or water down our views, so that what is voiced is open to interpretation. This tends to happen more in the later stages of our lives.
When we were young, we used to be fearless in the expression of our views. Now we have spouses and children, big jobs and bigger egos, and less truth and even lesser openness. It has become more difficult to mark the boundaries of personal space, and hence we all take the safe approach - we do not interfere at all ! Even within the bounds of our extended families there is a reticence to speak our mind, and we often resort to intermediaries, to convey the message.

I have gone out on a limb, and answered exactly what has been asked. If there is one thing that I feel guilty of, is that often I have not followed my own advice. Many friends have sought, been given, and having taken the advice, bettered their lives. I am also sure that there are people who might have been better off, not taking my advice. But that is neither here nor there. There is a point of time where in the ownership of advice passes from the giver to the receiver, and to me, that point is crossed on taking action. Having acted on a piece of advice, the receiver will benefit from the rewards of that decision, and correspondingly should take complete ownership of any downside.
Hence I would urge my friend who, when and if he reads this post, will recognise himself, to start voicing his views. I know that I for one will benefit from them.

The Green-eyed Monster

A nice discussion last night in the house with friends and family revealed (once again) to me that our experiences, though singular, are not unique and that all of us do tend to, at some time or the other, go through similar situations.

This time the topic was the inability of people to see good for others. It is more common than generally confessed, that close friends and even family, get closer at times of duress and more distant at times of plenty. It really does make you think about the old proverb "a friend in need is a friend indeed". In reality it is quite the opposite. One can count on the fingers of ones hand, the people who will be really happy during our times of joy. Quite often the people who surround us take no small amount of glee at our misfortunes, and get miffed at our successes. A little bit of this is trait is acceptable as normal competitiveness, but beyond a threshold, takes away from our experience.

This topic has come up with colleagues, most of whom hail from different countries, cultures and hence, presumably, different environments. Yet, all have experienced this at some time or the other. It seems to be a universal human trait.

This syndrome is garbed in different forms and has various names like envy, competition, evil eye, etc. However the results are the same. It manifests itself, sometimes in small ways like ignoring your good news (could be a big purchase, a promotion, or a new job), and sometimes, is exhibited in more cruel ways, where the people who you most want to share in your happiness, disparage or mock your joy or brush it aside.

A friend visiting from Bombay gave us a typical example. He had recently changed his car, and for the very first time in his life, had bought a new car, for which he had paid substantial money. To his dismay, friends instead of being happy for him, started to point out flaws and list defects. Some questioned the rationale of his decision vis a vis the make. Others would be more obtuse, and instead of denigrating his choice, would lavish praise on other car makes. All the while in his presence !! Their warped logic being, that praise for another (more sub-standard) make, would demean his purchase.

The result of this, is that people start to gloss over their achievements or stop talking about their life's victories. They would rather take the quieter road than suffer the slings and arrows from people close to them. They prefer to keep a low profile about good tidings and avoid the envy. Each will have a different approach, ranging from being completely closed and secretive, to conducting elaborate and arcane rituals to avoid the evil eye. In the above case, my friend criticises his own new (and beloved) car, before others get down to doing it, so as to take away the sting of their jealousy.

My theory is that people who cannot partake in the happiness of others, either suffer from massive insecurities, or are intrinsically unhappy in a major sphere of their life. They have to be pitied, not vilified. For such people life is a zero sum game. A bigger slice of the proverbial pie for another, means a smaller slice for them. Of course, reality is just the opposite. A friend earning more than me, does not make me poor. A friend buying a car of his dreams, does not make my car a jalopy. I can only imagine the hell that would be such people's lives, where their self-esteem is derived from other peoples achievements (or rather the lack of them).

My view is, that friends, who genuinely share your happiness will definitely be there to halve your sorrows, but the reverse is not guaranteed. If you believe that you are surrounded by people who share your joy, then count yourself lucky, and do everything in your power to make sure that they stay close.

But before we go around assessing our friends and the people around us, we need to turn the laser inwards. We need to ask ourselves as to what type we are. Do we celebrate our friends happiness and make sure that we show it ? Feeling happy but not showing appreciation, is not good enough! If we do not know the answer, or want to remove all vestiges of doubt, then we need to probe our friends a bit, on their perception of us and our behaviour. If nothing else it would make for a good topic of conversation at a dinner table.

So ask yourself, are you a zero sum gamer ?

Farewell to old friends

The below is an old email written to dear friends before their departure for foreign shores.

My dear friends,

In your last days here, I have unfortunately not been able to spend as much time with you all, as I had intended to - nor say all the things that I wanted to, due to my affliction with tonsilitis. Maybe it is all for the better - but I did not want to spare you and hence this short letter to express our thoughts as you depart in a few days for Australia.

What does one say when the time is nigh to bid adieu' to loved ones ? So many thoughts swirl around in our minds - memories of days past (almost 11 years here in Dubai and so many more back home) and of laughters shared - trials and tribulations borne together, and of course now the looming presence of the void that faces us tomorrow. The bonds of happiness are forged slowly over time, so slowly in fact that we scarcely heed them, till the day they are suddenly torn apart. In that interim, we take for granted the presence of loved ones around us, expecting the good times to last forever and keeping any thoughts of parting ways to our subconcious.

And the nagging question that keeps surfacing is - WHY ? Why do you have to go now ? Why are we not in a place that keeps us together - Why do our relationships have to suffer the turmoil of seperation yet again ? These very same questions can be seen, flitting as shadows, on the faces of our loved ones, revealing the grief suppressed, and the absences already felt, though the day for departing has yet to dawn.

The answer of course lies in the fact that each mans future is forged by the pressures exerted on him, and his response to the same. Every person is unique, in his wants and desires and in his responses to those stresses. Our characters have been shaped by such forces, and will give us strength to tide these times, till the cycle completes and we are all on the same soil again.
At the moment we feel as if our family has been torn asunder, not knowing how soon our paths shall cross again. I cannot even begin to imagine the anguish felt by our children, who have grown so close, and in whose companionship, we the parents drew comfort. Our minds were always at peace when we knew that they were with each other, a semi-independant cell, needing no supervision. Safe in the comfort of a kindred culture, similar dispositions and a common heritage. It is definitely a boon that, they do not as yet comprehend the concept of time too well, else their sorrow would have made ours the deeper still.

Anyway, one looks for comfort in thoughts of the tomorrows to come - of days in the future spent together "again" in a place filled with golden light, our children big and strong, and a road ahead that carries us together to infinity. The road to happiness is paved with sorrows and tribulations. Hard decisions are a fact of everymans life. One faces them with what courage one possesses, and strength is demanded of both, the ones departing and the ones staying back. You leave these shores as pioneers, forging a path that others may tread on. We shall eagerly await tidings from you - and your progress in the new land shall be followed with keen interest.
Go with God and our good thoughts and wishes for your prosperity and happiness.
So till we meet again, my Siblings, my Family, my Friends - we remain diminished but resolute, sad but happy, for in the words of the Bard "Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow" !!